And so my life was going along amazingly, seriously I couldn’t complain. I was feeling the most confident I had ever felt, I was happy, in a fantastic relationship with an awesomely supportive man, what could go wrong?
A lot. Apparently.

It doesn’t matter what it was but for me it was fucking huge.
I mean FUCKING. HUGE.
I went into a tailspin. A serious one that I just couldn’t get out of.
It’s actually not easy to write this, not because it still hurts, which I suppose it does in a way, but for the feeling of being a complete and utter failure at my life.

I questioned whether I was too happy. Was I too confident? Which turned to hating myself and telling myself I didn’t deserve happiness, that I was worthless.
I kept spinning out of control.
I hit the darkness and the depths of rock bottom.
For three of the longest years of my life I was like this.
I was suicidal, seeing a psychologist, trying to just get through each day, not wanting to get through each day.

My saving grace, and this may sound incredibly strange, was doing readings. My psychologist said that she didn’t understand how I was still able to function as a clairvoyant. What I realised was this, that when I do readings for people I have to turn ‘off’ that part of my brain that deals with me, my own connection to myself. When I do readings, I’m switched ‘on’ to receiving what needs to be received and delivering it. I’m totally 100% focused on doing that and because of that I can’t think about myself or my own issues.
So, every time I did a psychic party or readings in my office I got relief while I was doing it because I was switched on to doing readings.  Then when I was finished I fell back into the darkness but at least I had a reprieve for however short that was.

I’m a firm believer that if you tell yourself something often enough, you will eventually believe it and so every day what seemed like 50 times a day I would tell myself that I was OK and that I was happy.  Then when one of those negative, soul destroying thoughts would pop in, I would counter-act it with a ‘no you’re happy’ thought, even though I felt anything but bloody happy.

Three years of living in hell.
I came out the other side. I realised that one day, the darkness wasn’t as bad and I knew that I had turned the corner. You know I still have lapses when those dark destroying thoughts try and knock their way back into my life and I just get a fucking shovel and dong them on the head.
On my Facebook page when I say “I don’t tell you something can be done if I haven’t done it myself”, I mean it. I’ve suffered depression and was suicidal not just ‘I want to die’ but that I knew exactly what I was going to do to end it, I had researched it and was just deciding when.
But I’m stubborn and I was going to fight it even though I didn’t want to.
I was at war with myself.

This was a huge lesson for me and I can say that if I can get through that, if I can face the darkness and beat it, then I can bloody well face anything and survive.
Because I’m a survivor.
“The bravest thing I have ever done was keep living when all I wanted to do was die.”

I’m back on track, I am a completely different person to the one I was before and as the saying goes, you can’t expect to go through a storm and come out the same, that’s the point of the storm. It changed my views on so many different things, it made me so much more passionate in helping people find their purpose and actually living it, facing their demons, and living the life they deserve, finding the courage to do it, helping people through the dark times. I’m passionate about helping women speak up for themselves, to be strong.

To be honest, I really struggled with this new me, I didn’t like her and for quite a while there, I wanted the old me, I tried to find her, but she was gone. I mourned her. But I also had to let go of what was and embrace the new, that’s what life is all about.
So, here I am, loving my life again, not taking things for granted, being vocal about women’s rights, annoying the shit out of my Gorgeous Guy and wanting to help as many of you as I can in oh so many different ways. I’m looking forward to the future and what it brings and one thing is for certain, I’ve learnt to just go with the flow and not fight it, it makes life so much easier.

I am going to embrace whatever happens and know that we all go through bumps in the road and we can get caught on the merry-go-round of life, that we are never off track but we can always find a new track to get on and follow that we all have the strength to do this. Ask for help when you need it, seek professional help and don’t think it’s a sign of weakness, I believe it is a sign of strength to know when you need help and to ask for it.

If reading my story has brought up any issues for you, please, please seek help, within Australia you can call Lifeline 13 11 14. Ring a friend or your counsellor, you don’t need to do this alone.

Katrina-Jane xxxx
__________________

Would you like to hear my whole journey in-depth? Then check out my biography Christian to Clairvoyant>> https://www.katrina-jane.com/books/